Pregnancy and the birth of a new baby may stir up hidden feelings, hopes and fears for mothers, fathers and other members of the family. These thoughts and feelings can take you by surprise. Knowing that this can happen,

and understanding why, may help you to manage your own response and to give your baby a sense of security from the start.

Pregnancy and birth

You may have thoughts about what your new baby will be like and how he or she will make you feel. These thoughts are often related to your own past experience, culture or religion.

Both the physical and the emotional experience of birth is important for mother and baby. You may want someone to be with you at the birth who you feel safe with, maybe your partner or a close friend. Fathers may want to be present at the birth to create a close bond with their baby right from the start, as well as to support their partners.

Every mother approaches the birth with her own expectations and fears. You may find that you have mixed feelings about the birth. Joy at the birth and happiness at becoming a mother may be combined with a sense of resentment for the pain that your baby is perceived to have inflicted on you, or a sense of loss of the closeness of carrying the baby.

The influence of childhood memories

Every parent was once a child and has experienced the passionate emotions of a child themselves. The child they once were is still alive within every adult. Memories, dreams and imagination are an important part of our identity and of all our relationships, especially our relationship with our own children.

A new baby evokes memories of being a child and this affects how you feel and act. On the one hand this helps you know how your baby is feeling, but on the other hand these memories can make you vulnerable to powerful – and at times overwhelming – feelings towards your baby.

Having a baby brings back feelings and memories of being cared for by parents or other carers. You may have a fond image of them and wish to be like them with your own child.

But you may feel you did not grow up in a loving, safe family environment, and do not have an image of a loving parent. You may wonder how you can give your child what you never had yourself. Perhaps you can draw on different and more positive experiences in the past or the present to help you parent your baby.

Getting to know one another

During the first months your baby will be all- absorbing and demand your complete attention. Babies need their mothers to be preoccupied by them and to enjoy them.

Your baby needs you to be interested in their feelings as well as their physical care. Feeding and changing are a time for intimacy and tenderness between you and your baby – through looking, touching and playing. Gazing at one another,

cooing and taking turns in ‘babbling’ conversations all create a pleasurable bond between you and your baby. Getting to know the rhythms of your babies needs and moods and how you respond to each other is important. The earliest rhythm is between sleeping and waking, hunger and being full, comfort and distress. Babies have different rhythms that may not match those of their mother, but you can learn to adapt to each other over time.

Feeding

Feeding is not only a time to eat and gain weight, but is also a time for looking, touching and playing. When babies ‘latch on’ with gusto, they are showing their passion for feeding.

Feeding by breast or bottle is also a time for babies to begin to experience some control over their own activities. With your help in the beginning, as in burping or staying awake long enough to eat, babies will gradually learn to manage themselves more.

Sleeping

Babies’ sleeping patterns vary enormously. Babies differ in the way they fall asleep, and this is linked to their feelings about being separate and alone. Each baby is different in their mental states and moods on waking. Some are wide-awake and ready to meet the world, some are sleepy, jumpy or dreamy. Others seem to need their mother to hold them together until they are fully awake and alert.

You may feel anxious when your baby’s sleeping pattern does not meet your expectations or your own needs. When you are tired, your baby’s wakefulness may seem to be a sign that something is wrong. But most babies under about six months old wake up regularly during what an adult would think of as night-time, and it is not unusual to have broken nights for much longer.

Communicating with your baby

Communication with your baby is a two-way process right from birth, and even before. Babies recognise their mother’s voice before birth and her face within a few days of birth.

Babies are sensitive to their parents’ state of mind and want to understand you just as much as you want to understand them.

Babies communicate their discomfort and distress in their facial expressions, body movement and crying. In the first weeks they rely totally on you to sort out their unhappiness and provide comfort, but it is not always easy to understand what your baby is trying to communicate to you.

• Think about your baby’s needs: ‘Are you too hot? … is it nice being stroked?’
• Work out their likes and dislikes: ‘I think you prefer to be held in this position.’
• Try to reflect on your baby’s state of mind: ‘Are you crying because you are lonely? … does something hurt? … are you frightened? … do you need me to be here?’

Your baby’s emotional development

Babies come into the world with strong emotions and are geared for development. Babies are social beings who develop emotionally and mentally through interaction with you and with other people. The early months are crucial for their emotional and mental growth and the child’s early experiences will shape their development.

At first, a baby develops emotionally and physically from having all their needs met. The newborn baby cannot bear delay and needs you to respond very quickly. Security comes from not having to wait too long to be comforted, fed or cuddled.

As you think about your baby and attempt to understand the world with them, they will slowly develop the ability to think about themselves and others. Within a few months you are likely to find that your baby can tolerate some frustration. However, each baby is different and will take their own time to learn how to manage themselves so that they can be left for a little longer and you can have a bit of time to yourself.

Comforting and soothing your baby

Babies can experience very primitive and raw emotions that overwhelm them and are difficult for parents to tolerate. A crying baby, in particular, stirs up strong emotions in the adult.

All babies need your presence and reassurance, but some babies can be soothed more easily than others. Your ability to be sympathetic to your baby, and manage not to lose patience when they are fretful and miserable, even when you can’t quite understand what they want, will help them learn to bear these difficult feelings.

It is easier to comfort a child when you are feeling good in yourself. At times you may feel interested and sympathetic, but at other times you are quite likely to feel exhausted and hostile. You may notice patterns in your own reactions – for instance, you may have less patience with your baby when you feel unsupported yourself.

When your baby does not settle in spite of all your efforts, you may feel hurt or worried. At times you may feel like blaming your baby for the emotional demands they make on you. But babies do not intend to be demanding – they cry because that is the only way they can express their physical or emotional needs. A newborn baby has no idea of ‘playing up’ or ‘doing something’ to your feelings – the baby can hardly grasp that you are a separate person from them.

If you are feeling overwhelmed or distressed, it may be important for both you and your baby’s development to talk with a sympathetic adult – in particular, someone who can offer professional support such as your health visitor or GP. In some circumstances, you and your baby and your family may need the support of a specialist service.

You and your family

A new baby – especially the first baby – changes everything. Having a baby can both enrich your own and your family’s life and also restrict what you might have wanted to do. Your family will need to reorganise itself around  the new baby. Fathers need to form their own relationship with the baby, which may take time. Even though they welcome their new roles, the family may take time to adjust to the loss of the patterns they are familiar with. If you are living with a partner,

there will probably be less time for every aspect of your relationship, including talking and doing things together – and sex. Either of you may feel as if you have been replaced by the baby. It is important to find a way of talking to one another about these feelings or they may affect your relationship with your baby.

Brothers and sisters, or stepbrothers and sisters, may look forward to the new baby, but they will often also feel that they have lost some of your attention to the demanding infant. By acknowledging their resentment, you will help them to accept their angry and hurt feelings. It’s early days. With sympathy and patience, unsettled feelings towards the new baby can be resolved and
loving family bonds will emerge.

in the first months of life

Crying and sleeping problems are two of the most common difficulties for parents of babies under one. Nearly all parents will experience difficulties with their baby’s crying or interrupted sleep in the early months.

Try to imagine the world from your baby’s point of view. In the womb they were in a world of their own, made especially for them. In being born they have already made the most dangerous journey of their life, and now they have to become used to a world full of new feelings and people. It will take time.

It will also take time for you, as a parent, to get to know your baby and – along with the excitement – to recover from the shock and tiredness of the birth and to adjust to the changes in your life from becoming responsible for a new baby.

What babies need

All babies need food, sleep, warmth and loving attention, but all babies are different. Some are very tranquil and seem to fit easily into family life, but most babies have some difficulty settling into their new world. When they are full, cuddled and loved they may feel peaceful. But when they feel wet, hungry, alone – or just miserable – all they can do is cry and thrash about.

Babies don’t ask for more than they need. If their demands seem overwhelming, it’s not because they are ‘trying it on’ or are getting spoiled. A baby can’t understand anyone else’s point of view or consider anyone else’s feelings; even a toddler is only just beginning to get some idea about these things.

A baby who comes through their first year feeling loved and understood is more likely to develop into a toddler who feels confident that a parent will come if they really need them. A child who has this confidence is less likely to fret if that attention isn’t instantly available. This provides the best basis for learning about waiting and sharing.

Why babies cry

Some parents say ‘Why does my baby cry so much? Some days everything I do seems wrong!’ Crying is your baby’s way of showing you their feelings. Sometimes they want food (or just to suck for comfort), sometimes they want you to cuddle and talk to them – but often they are just out of sorts with themselves and the world. There may be a pattern to their crying (possibly during the early evening) but often there is not. The baby is too young to have any way of helping themselves or of telling you what is troubling them. So all you can do is to be a sympathetic companion. Try to bear with the crying because the baby needs your comfort and reassurance. It may be easier said than done because a baby’s crying is specially designed to make you feel something of their distress. This is nature helping us to see the world from the baby’s point of view – but it also makes it very hard to cope with a constantly grizzling or distraught baby.

You may find that nothing seems to work for long and it’s a rare baby who is never left to cry for a little while from time to time. After all, it’s your survival your baby needs most. So your baby needs you to look after yourself and to get as much practical help and emotional support as you can from your partner or your family. You may even be lucky enough to have someone who will look after the baby for an hour or two while you have a break.

Helping your baby to settle down

Try not to get pulled in opposite directions by following too many pieces of advice. Unfortunately there aren’t many easy answers. You are the only one who is close enough to begin to understand your baby and to sort out what practical measures might help and also be manageable within your own family. Trying to see the world from your baby’s point of view is a good start. All babies are different.

• Some babies like to be quiet and still and are easily startled and upset by too much going on; other babies are more content if they feel there’s a bit of life going on around them.
• Feeding or sucking work like magic for some babies; others find feeding a bit of a fraught time.
• Some babies can go easily from being cuddled to being put down; others seem to think this is the end of the world.

If your baby cries excessively and you simply can’t settle them, check with your doctor or health visitor to make sure that there is nothing physically wrong.

If they reassure you that nothing is wrong, try not to feel that your baby must be ‘crying for nothing’, or that they are a ‘bad baby’, or that you have failed as a parent. It is an exhausting but common problem that will almost certainly settle in time. Don’t be embarrassed by your baby’s crying and become isolated.

Sleeping through the night It can be very hard when someone says to you ‘Is your baby sleeping through the night yet? Mine is!’

Try not to compare your baby with anyone else. It’s not a race. It’s bad enough being tired, but it’s even worse if you feel that not sleeping through is unusual or a sign that something is terribly wrong with your baby or with you.

Babies do not know the difference between night and day at first. During the first three or four months their digestive systems make it difficult for them to go for even six hours at night without a feed. This is even truer for breastfed babies. Most babies under six months old wake up regularly during what an adult would think of as night-time and many parents have broken nights for much longer.

But babies don’t only wake because of hunger. They are at the very beginning of their lives and are extremely emotionally dependent on those who care for them. As your baby grows, they learn from experience that you are there when they need you. By giving them this confidence, you help them to begin to settle themselves or to entertain themselves for a bit when they are awake.

Helping your baby to sleep

If your baby still doesn’t seem able to relax and let go of you at night, it’s worth thinking about their day. Has it been too stimulating? Has it been so busy or stressful that they haven’t had enough peaceful time with you?

Some babies are very self-contained and independent during the day and only seem to realise that they need you at night. It’s worth trying to encourage babies like this to enjoy more of your company during the day rather than taking advantage of their independence to get on with other things.

These practical tips might be helpful:

Helping you to cope

Babies sense your feelings. The best thing for you and your baby is to concentrate on getting to know one another. Giving too much attention to trying to find answers to each problem may be a real barrier to getting to know your baby.

You may try to establish a routine to help you get through the day, but any routine needs to be flexible and realistic and to change as your baby grows. Having routines won’t transform your baby’s temperament or enable you to have all the answers.

If you or the family are going through a worrying or unhappy time, it may well unsettle your baby so that just when you need a bit more peace they become miserable and wakeful. It’s difficult to protect a baby from family worries but perhaps the problems are ones you could seek help with.

Some people feel low after having a baby. All sorts of feelings and demands which they might ordinarily have managed can overwhelm them. So if your baby seems really inconsolable, perhaps they are sensing your unhappiness.

Many people feel lonely with a new baby and it can be particularly stressful if you are a single parent. Try to make the effort to meet other parents regularly.

During bad patches, you can easily feel that everyone – including your own baby – is criticising you. Sometimes a baby is born following a period of particular sadness, such as the death of a parent, a previous miscarriage, stillbirth or cot death. In these circumstances it may be very difficult for parents to cope with their baby’s distress about being put down for the night.

Asking for help

Most parents worry because they aren’t always as loving and patient as they would like to be. It can be a shock for any parent to discover how resentful they sometimes feel towards their own babies.

Parents sometimes say ‘I get so tired and on edge that I worry I may harm my baby’. If you feel that caring for your baby is so overwhelming that you are frequently angry, you may need help.

Accept as much help as you can get. You have no need to think that people will interfere and criticise you for asking for help.

Help might consist of practical assistance and support. It may be a matter of helping parents to think about their children for themselves by trying to understand the worries and unhappiness that can get in the way. For most people, being a parent is the most rewarding job they will ever do. But it is also the hardest, so you deserve all the support you can get.

a problem for all the family

Having a baby is supposed to be one of the most exciting and joyful experiences you’ll ever have. But often the reality feels quite different. You may be surprised, and even alarmed, to experience feelings you hadn’t expected. Childbirth can leave you feeling exhausted and anxious, as well as shocked by the sudden changes in your life as a result of becoming a mother.

• Instead of being in control of your life, you may feel taken over by the constant demands of a baby, who never seems to let you rest and recover your strength.
• You may not have the social or work life that you used to enjoy.
• Your relationship with your partner and older children may become strained because you haven’t got much energy to give them.
• You may feel you need more help and support than you’re getting, or are able to ask for.
• Whether or not you have a partner at home, you may feel alone and unsupported.

Many mothers suffer from some form of depression after they have given birth. It is very important for a mother not to blame herself.

The baby blues

The ‘baby blues’ is the most common and mildest form of depression. A few days after the birth, you may feel elated one moment, and a moment later feel very emotional and upset and cry for no particular reason.

The blues may be caused partly by sudden changes in a woman’s hormone levels after birth and partly from the emotional shock of giving birth, the dawning realisation of the responsibility of caring for a small baby, and all the sudden changes that she and the family are going through. The baby blues usually disappears after a few days and you feel more ‘yourself’ again.

Postnatal depression

Postnatal depression is a more serious and long- lasting condition than the baby blues. It has an impact on the whole family. Many babies can weather this. But it can interfere with the growing relationship between your baby and you and your family, so the effects may last after the depression itself has lifted. It’s therefore important to identify postnatal depression and to ask for help early.

How is postnatal depression different from the baby blues?

Postnatal depression can affect you soon after the birth, starting some time after you have left hospital and the midwife’s care. It can also develop gradually any time up to a year later, so that you, and those around you, may not realise the extent of your distress for weeks or months.

It is not your fault that you feel the way you do. Postnatal depression is a real condition – it can, and should, be treated.

How does postnatal depression feel?

Postnatal depression can show itself in different ways. Some symptoms – lack of concentration, for instance – are experienced by almost everyone when they have just had a baby. With postnatal depression the symptoms are far more extreme. You may experience it as a kind of ‘emotional loneliness’.

Some or all of the following signs mean that you and your family may need help.

Why do some mothers suffer from postnatal depression?

Having postnatal depression does not mean that you don’t want, love or welcome your baby.

There is no simple explanation for what causes it. However, a combination of stresses and worries may make it more likely that a woman will become depressed after giving birth.

Difficult birth

• A mother may perceive the birth itself as difficult or traumatic.

Hormonal changes

• Biochemical and hormonal changes following childbirth may trigger postnatal depression, although the effect of these is still not clear.

Rekindled grief from previous losses

• The loss of another baby through bereavement, abortion, miscarriage, stillbirth or other causes.
• Bereavement or the loss of a close friend or family member while the mother was pregnant.
• The new mother’s own mother not being around to help, particularly if she is no longer alive.

Demanding baby

• Some babies feel more difficult to take care of than others. Although this doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed and ‘got at’ by their needs, creating a sense of not being effective as a mother.

Family relationships

• A woman may feel her partner is unsupportive or too demanding.
• She may not have anyone to confide in and may feel isolated.
• A woman may have an uneasy relationship with her own mother.

External stresses on the family

• Other difficult life events, such as redundancy, may occur around the time of the birth.
• The family may be facing chronic problems, such as unemployment, housing difficulties and lack of money.

Postnatal depression and the baby

A mother is usually the most important person to a small baby. In the early weeks a baby needs her in order to make sense of the world outside the womb. For this to happen, the mother needs to have enough energy and interest in her baby to be able to try and understand what their crying means – whether the baby is hungry, tired, uncomfortable, has a dirty nappy, or is feeling lonely.

How can their mother’s postnatal depression affect babies?

Because this period of emotional and physical closeness is so important, babies can be very sensitive to their mother’s moods. They quickly notice when you are unable to ‘be there’ for them because you are depressed and wrapped up in your own thoughts and feelings. This could mean that you and your baby miss precious time together.

Babies and young children need a lot of help to manage their experiences and feelings. A baby who doesn’t get much response, or doesn’t get the right kind of response without having to wait, can quickly become confused and worried. Being so helpless and dependent in every way, it can be frightening for a baby to feel that they can’t even make their mother smile or respond. The baby may experience their mother as rejecting and become distressed. It is difficult for you to respond to the baby’s distress or fear when you may feel filled up with anxiety and distress yourself.

The baby may react by:

• becoming withdrawn, avoiding eye contact and
  turning away from their mother’s face
• appearing to be ‘easy’, able to be passed from one strange person to another, showing little preference for their mother or awareness of her as the special person
• appearing to be fine during the day, but becoming unsettled and clingy at night – the time when they may feel that they need the most reliable protection and care.

Does the baby’s temperament affect the mother’s depression?

Babies are born with different temperaments. From the start, the kind of baby a mother has can influence whether she becomes depressed, or stays depressed, particularly if she is vulnerable to postnatal depression.

• Undemanding babies A mother’s lack of energy may be ‘picked up’ by the baby and the baby may make as few demands on her as possible. The baby may sleep a great deal, through the night as well as many hours in the day. The mother may feel lucky to have such a ‘good’ baby – but a baby who is too sleepy and undemanding may not be getting on with the work of developing. Babies also need time to be awake, alert and together with their family.
• Good babies Many depressed mothers are helped by a baby who is easy to please, responsive and rewarding. Some babies work extra hard at getting their mother to notice them, doing whatever they sense will please her most, trying to be ‘good’ and co-operative, smiling and cheerful to help lift mother’s mood. These babies are tolerant of their parents’ mistakes and make good use of whatever is offered to them. However, having to be too ‘good’ can make a baby feel responsible for looking after their mother, rather than the other way round. This can be hard on a baby, who needs adults to help them manage their upset, angry feelings.
• Demanding babies Some babies are sensitive and may react strongly to their environment. They may cry for long periods, giving their mother the sense of never quite being able to offer the right thing or to satisfy them. This can be very discouraging to a depressed mother. It is helpful for a mother’s confidence if a supportive friend or partner can help her to understand the baby’s difficulties and when it is better to be firm about not giving in to every demand.

Meeting the baby’s and the mother’s needs

Babies need attentive responsive parenting to nurture their emotional development and to build on their natural capacity to think and learn.

But it does not have to be provided only by their mother all the time. You have to be protected and have time to recover your energy – you cannot be on duty all day and all night.

Fathers, grandparents and others, if available, can help to give the baby the loving attention and care that is essential for their development.

Getting help

Postnatal depression affects many mothers and is nothing to be ashamed of. It is important to be able to recognise that you may be suffering from it and to seek help as soon as possible. Health visitors in many parts of the country are trained to identify it. You may feel relieved to be told by your health visitor or doctor that you are definitely not going mad, but that you are suffering from postnatal depression, which can be effectively treated in a variety of ways.

Fathers can also get depressed after the birth of a baby. Even though the father may not spend as much time caring for your baby as you do, for his own sake as well as the wellbeing of the entire family, it is just as important for him to get support.

Medication

In consultation with your general practitioner, you may decide to take antidepressant medication. These drugs are often an effective treatment for postnatal depression. They can lift your mood and shift the worst symptoms of the depression, helping to make you feel more ‘yourself’ again and able to be more responsive to the needs of your growing baby.

Antidepressants are nonaddictive and are best taken for several months. If you are breastfeeding, your doctor can select appropriate antidepressants.

Medication is not always necessary and, in any case, is often not sufficient on its own. It may be offered alongside support and counselling.

Support and counselling

If you are depressed, you can benefit from being offered some form of support and counselling, usually from a trained professional. Together you can give thought and attention to your emotional needs at a time when you may feel emotionally isolated and drained.

The form this support takes will depend on the severity of the condition and what is available locally.

It may be from:

• a health visitor with counselling skills
• a counsellor employed by the GP practice
• a mental health worker, such as a community
  psychiatric nurse or psychiatrist.

Mother and baby counselling from a child psychotherapist, or family therapy for the entire family, may be offered locally. Any of these services might see both parents together if that seems the best approach, and everyone involved agrees.

What is important is for you to have sufficient space and opportunity to talk about your own situation and your feelings about it. This may involve reflecting on your own experiences – of pregnancy and birth, your own childhood and parenting, and possibly other relevant life experiences.

in the twos and threes

It’s a long way from being a helpless baby to becoming a relatively independent three or four year old, ready to go to playgroup or nursery. It can be an exciting journey of discovery – but it can also seem like a very bumpy ride for both you and your child.

As children move towards their second birthday, they want to take part in what is going on around them – exploring and playing, watching and imitating others, using their first words. They now feel that they are a person in an interesting world of other people and they want to join in.

What it is like to be two or three

Your two year old is discovering all sorts of things that they can’t do or mustn’t do. They are waging a constant battle with their own passionate wants, hopes and fears.
They have feelings that they can’t yet manage by themselves without tempers or tears. They are still struggling to sort out who they are and what they feel about the people who care for them – why they love them one moment and hate them the next. They can’t just ask for your help. Instead, they mess you around with contradictory demands because that’s how helpless and confused they feel.

Young children react very differently to the triumphs and setbacks of their second and third years so they need different kinds of support from their parents.

Being bossy

Some children can’t bear to feel little and helpless. They refuse to accept that there are things they can’t yet manage. Being bossy can be a way of covering this up and trying to make others feel small. They can be so convincing that, as parents, we may some- times come to believe they don’t need us or may feel so irritated that we want to cut them down to size. But bossy two year olds really need someone to offer them love and care even when they don’t seem to want it.

Being fussy

Many children of two or three develop all sorts of fads and rituals that they absolutely insist on. From a parent’s point of view it can seem silly and tyrannical, but how does it look to a small child?

Everyone is expecting them to give up being a baby and become more independent. But they may feel as if the grown-ups are always interfering and bossing them around. When they insist on wearing something strange, or doing things in a particular order, they may be trying to get you to recognise that they have their own choices and preferences. Sometimes it’s probably helpful to give in gracefully over things that don’t really matter. That way they will get the chance to learn how to back down themselves. And, of course, there are going to be plenty of times when they want something impossible or dangerous. So there will still be opportunities for them to learn about ‘no’ and for you to learn to cope with their tears.

Sometimes fussiness is to do with worries that your child can’t name or tell you about. Then their determination to avoid certain objects or situations may be their way of controlling their fears.

What’s worrying them may not have any obvious connection with the things they’re making a fuss about – but it’s easier to control what you let your mum put on your plate than to control anxieties you don’t understand.

These sorts of fears tend to come and go, but if your child’s behaviour becomes especially difficult it is worth wondering if they are under some particular stress.

Being clingy

Some children seem to be saying ‘I’d rather be small’. A child who is clingy and fearful can be very trying to parents in a different way from one who is bossy.

As parents, we need the reassurance of seeing things move in the right general direction. So ‘babyish’ behaviour is hard to bear because it makes us worry that things are going backwards. It’s also very exhausting not knowing if you’ve got a baby or a big girl or boy on your hands.

When you have the feeling that you can’t get it right, the chances are that your child is feeling in a tremendous muddle too.

Being fearful

New situations can be frightening. Children of two or three sometimes feel quite scared about new situations, especially if they think it means being left with other people. It is worth being truthful about new situations – such as the birth of a baby or different childcare arrangements – so that they don’t feel taken by surprise or tricked. Allow plenty of time for settling in and a certain amount of fussing. And be prepared to take your child seriously if they really feel they are not ready for a new step forward.

But some of the frightening things are inside them. It is at this age that children first complain of bad dreams or night terrors. Sometimes the dreams may be connected with worrying events that happened during the day, but quite often they seem to grow from feelings within the child. You may never really know what’s troubling them, but it’s very comforting for a child who can’t yet understand themselves if they feel that a grown up is trying to do the understanding for them.

Temper tantrums

Your child is coping with strong feelings all day long. If they’re managing to keep on a reasonably even keel they’re doing well, but there are bound to be times when they can’t cope.

When your child throws a temper tantrum they are showing you what it feels like inside them when they can no longer cope. This could simply be because they are exhausted or overwhelmed.

They are not doing it just to get attention. They have a tantrum because they can’t tell you in words. They scream and throw themselves around because they feel their big self has exploded.

They are probably scared, as well as angry, because their rage seems so powerful and dangerous and they have lost their picture of Mummy and Daddy as helpful or friendly.

They don’t need you to come up with a solution or to buy them off with treats (though every one has done that at times). They do need to see that you can feel upset and helpless but still keep them safe from hurting themselves, take care of both of you and go on loving them.

Is there a real problem?

Sometimes parents feel that their child’s temper tantrums are not just the ordinary sort that they will grow out of.

Perhaps they feel that their child has never really started talking or doesn’t enjoy playing or being with other people. They may be restless and destructive as if they can’t take pleasure in anything. And – most painful of all – parents in this situation may feel that there is a barrier between themselves and their child.

If you have concerns of this sort, it is important to ask for specialist advice. It is not a good idea to just leave things in the hope that they will sort themselves out.

How can parents cope?

Coping with your child’s tantrums doesn’t mean trying to stop them being angry – it means coping with how angry they make you feel. In the heat of the moment it is easy to become just as angry as your child and to scream back. You are not expected to be perfect parents but you are expected to be able to control your own feelings when your child’s feelings are out of control.

As parents we feel helpless, embarrassed or exposed if our children have tantrums in public. Even at home there are going to be times when they drive us too far.

Firmness is important, but so are understanding and tolerance. Simply telling a child to behave better doesn’t give them the strength to control their feelings. They can only learn slowly how to share with other children and to accept people saying ‘no’ when they want something.

Children learn by example, so they learn that it is possible to be distressed or angry  without throwing a tantrum through seeing us struggling to cope with our own frustration or worry.

Getting to the end of your tether

Sometimes parents feel they are no longer able to keep going. They may become frightened that they will injure their child physically or emotionally.

You may feel you don’t have enough help and support. You may have too many worries on your plate. You may feel depressed or unwell.

If you feel this is happening to you, for the sake of your child and yourself, you should seek help to sort out what’s wrong.

the arrival of a new brother or sister

If you have more than one child under five you are probably all too familiar with some of the problems of sibling rivalry. Sometimes parents who have made a relatively smooth adjustment to their first baby are completelybowled over by the experience of a second. Quite apart from all the practical arrangements and physical demands, you shouldn’t underestimate the emotional turmoil caused by a new addition to the family.

You have a much more complex and demanding task ahead in managing the emotional and physical needs of more than one child in the years to come. Children’s needs often clash, and the continuing task of understanding, managing and negotiating these, will test parents to their limit.

Having another baby

Parents approach the birth of a new baby with a range of different emotions and expectations, and you probably feel a mixture of excitement and apprehension. Your hopes and desires for your children are related to your own early experiences. A mother whose older brother was a bully may, for example, be hoping that her 18-month-old daughter will have the close friend in her younger sister or brother that she never had. A father who was an only child may not be aware that his own one-year-old could have any feelings at all about a new baby in the family.

It has to be remembered that it is the parents who choose to have another baby, not the older sister or brother. They have no say in the matter and what is, to you, largely a source of happiness may be nothing of the sort to your child.

Preparing the older children

Even without being told about the pregnancy, most children are aware of a sense of pre- occupation and a shift in the focus of your interest. If the pregnancy is well established and you are aware of wanting to share the news, it is probably better to tell your child about it.

When you tell them, they won’t fully understand what a new baby in the family will really mean, over and above having to share you. This makes some children quite fearful and bad-tempered, reverting to baby habits and difficult behaviour. Some children feel extremely fearful of being ‘pushed out’ by a new baby. All this is an absolutely normal part of their adjustment but requires a lot of patience and understanding on your part. It is also normal for a child to be as excited and happy as you are about a new baby.

There is a certain amount you can do to prepare your child for the new experience of having a brother or sister. When you talk about the positive aspects of a new baby, share some of the anticipated difficulties too. New babies do take up a lot of time, cry a lot and turn everybody’s world upside down.

Your child may wish to go back to being a baby for a while, and not be a ‘big sister or brother’ any more. They need to know that it is OK not to feel wonderful about the new baby all the time and that sometimes they will probably feel angry, upset and jealous when their needs have to wait. You need to reassure them that they are still lovable.

Arrangements for the birth

Your firstborn child needs love and support from other familiar people at a time when their parents – and particularly their mother – become less available. The preparations for your older child’s care when the new baby is born are crucial. Who is your child going to be with during this time? What will happen if you need to spend longer in hospital? What is best for your child during this period?

In this situation it helps if you can call on an extended family of relatives or friends. It is important for all your immediate circle to know what plans are in place, so that you can try and avoid too many separations, new places and strange faces at this time of major change.

Changing places

Everyone in the family has to make a big adjustment when a new baby arrives. The family set-up changes overnight: the only child becomes the older sister or brother, the baby in the family becomes the middle child.

It is wise to expect some feelings about this to last a long time, if not a lifetime. How we feel about ourselves in relation to our brothers and sisters is a powerful thread running through our lives which can easily rise to the surface at different times.

For many children – no matter how carefully their parents have tried to prepare them – a new sister or brother remains a tremendous shock. They may have expected a new playmate while the actual arrival has turned out to be a real live, crying, time-consuming and demanding baby.

For the older child, the terrible reality of a new baby is that they are no longer the centre of their parent’s universe.

Sibling rivalry

It is natural and normal for an older child to respond to the birth of a new baby with feelings of jealousy, resentment, insecurity, anger and sadness.

What is sometimes hard for parents to see or understand is the way in which these feelings make themselves known:

• One child may quite clearly try to physically hurt their baby brother, or say openly that they want him to go back.
• Another child may be loving towards the new baby, but aggressive and hostile to her mother.
• One might become very withdrawn, sucking his thumb and bedwetting.
• Another may be fine at home but a cause for concern at school. Individual children have different difficulties with their new sibling:
• A child may accept the new baby with no apparent jealousy, but when the baby is nine months old and grabs their toys, enormous feelings of resentment can surface.
• Problems may arise when a younger child becomes sociable, makes their own friends and no longer needs their older sister or brother so much.
• One child may seem to be more popular or successful at school than the other.

Brothers and sisters may be very close during some periods, but there may be times throughout their lives when jealous feelings are very difficult for them.

What can parents do?

Your older child’s unattractive and unlovable behaviour is directly related to their fear of being utterly unlovable. They need extra reassurance and love at this point, along with clear guidelines about what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. Often the response to the bad behaviour confirms their absolutely worst feelings about themselves – that they have been replaced by a new baby because they are completely unlovable.

The message to try and get across to your child is that they are not ‘bad’ for feeling like this, that you understand how difficult they are finding it and how rotten these feelings make them feel inside.

However demanding and tiring this period is, remind yourself that you are the parent and it is within your power to try to break this cycle. Take some consolation from the fact that your child trusts your love enough to test you to the limit, and to show you how bad they are feeling. Although it may often be hard for you to manage both your older child and the new baby, your continuing love allows your child a safe place to express their feelings.

If you feel you need help, contact your GP or health visitor or local Child Guidance or Child and Family Clinic (the addresses are in the telephone directory under your local Health Authority).

understanding the anxieties of parents and children from birth to four years

When babies are born they leave the warm and comfortable world of the womb and enter an unknown world. It is their first experience of separation and the beginning of a lifelong series of steps and challenges. Each stage of

the process – going to the childminder, starting school, leaving home – is marked by a separation. Our early experiences colour the ways that we respond to all the other experiences of separation during our lifetime.

The strong emotions that babies feel from birth, including joy, sadness, anxiety and rage, are partly a response to the separation from their mother. This is normal. And it is not only the baby who can feel this – mothers also have to adjust to letting go of the baby inside and facing the demands and needs of a separate human being.

It is a highly charged time emotionally for everybody, and one that represents an enormous change for the whole family.

Forming attachments

In the first year of life, children need to experience secure attachment to a caring adult. Babies often experience secure attachments with more than one adult, but for most babies the first bond with their mother is the most important. The experience of a secure attachment may also come from a carer, the extended family or another mother or father figure. Children who are able to form secure attachments are likely to be more resilient and to be able to manage stressful events better later in life.

Letting go

The process of separating from your baby is a gradual one.

In the early weeks babies develop emotionally and physically from having all their needs closely met. Security comes from not having to wait too long to be fed or cuddled. Giving comfort and reassurance, and responding quickly to the baby’s needs, does not ‘spoil’ them at this stage.

Babies gradually have to learn to tolerate being part of a wider community where the needs of other children, and mother herself, also have to be met. Both you and the baby have to learn to separate yourselves from one another – to let go of that ‘all-in-oneness’ you might have had at an earlier stage.

For some mothers it can be a relief to let go of the very dependent baby stage. The baby may be equally ready to move on and, some time during the first year, the mother can really enjoy seeing her baby become more independent in playing and settling down. But for other mothers and their babies, this transition presents more of a hurdle. These mothers sometimes say ‘My baby won’t let me put her down’.

Changing your baby’s routine

Mothers and babies are all individuals with different temperaments, strengths and weaknesses, so for each mother and baby the time for change and separation will also be different.

For the baby to develop, it is necessary for you to gradually let go – to begin to say ‘no’ to your thriving baby when they demand one more feed or want to be held in your arms all the time. This is another kind of separation.

Older babies grow both emotionally and mentally through coping with the experience of their mother or carer being less available to them. This is how your baby learns to develop their thinking, their sense of themselves as a separate person from you and their capacity to cope more independently.

When babies play games like peepo, they find out that people, toys and other things that go away, reappear later. They soon become so confident that these have not disappeared forever that they learn to drop their toys on purpose. Games like these can help mothers and babies come to terms with separating – a light-hearted way of getting used to the comings and goings that are part of this developmental stage.

Moments like these can signal an opportunity to start letting go and allowing your baby to rest and play more independently. This lead may well come from the baby.

It can be difficult to keep in mind how important separating is, especially as it can arouse feelings of loss and sadness in the mother and the child. Sometimes it is the mother who is reluctant to let go, sometimes it is the baby or it may be a bit of both. You need to recognise and allow for these feelings in yourself, as well as in the baby, rather than pretending that the feelings don’t exist and trying to return to an earlier more comfortable stage.

Adjusting to change

Many mothers have concerns and anxieties about changing their baby’s routines and, especially, about letting go of the comfort and security of the breast or bottle-feed. Babies often rage and protest in such a way that mothers may become fearful that they could suffer some emotional effects – or even cause themselves physical harm. You can usually sense whether your baby will get over it and begin to adjust to the new situation or whether they need to go back to their previous routine for a little while longer.

The father, or another close adult, can play an important part at this stage by supporting the mother and helping her set limits on her availability to the baby while, at the same time, developing their own relationship with the baby.

Adoptive and foster parents have a more difficult task. They have to take into account the experience for the baby, and for them, of the earlier separation from the birth mother. This experience is part of the baby’s history and cannot be wiped out.

Coping with your feelings about going to work

Women form a large proportion of the workforce and many of them have babies and young children. Some mothers work from choice, others work because they have to. There is some evidence to suggest that work can protect vulnerable mothers from postnatal depression.

Many of us still carry around in our heads the myth that being a good mother means never leaving the baby. So mothers sometimes feel some guilt and concern about being at work and worry about how it will affect their baby.

Separation is a wrench and it helps a great deal if the people around you and the baby – at home and at work – are sensitive to your feelings. Then you can approach later separations with more confidence.

Arranging childcare

Babies and young children need to feel a sense of security and continuity to enable them to thrive. You need to be confident that your child’s emotional, as well as physical, needs are met in their childcare setting. So – whatever your own feelings might be about handing over your child’s care to another person – you need to look for a situation where your child can form an attachment to a consistent carer who will be receptive and will respond sensitively and consistently to your child’s communications.

Parents may feel a home-based arrangement makes most sense for themselves and their child at the earliest stage. Comings and goings are likely to be smoother and more easily handled when the child is left with a familiar person, so childcare provided by a member of an extended family or a friend could be the most comfortable arrangement. Alternatively, home-based care can be provided by a registered childminder in the childminder’s home or a nanny in the child’s own home.

Coping with the child’s feelings about childcare

Some babies and young children are fine about being separated from their mother or carer but many of them feel some anxiety. It is very important to take particular care to address the emotional needs of your baby or young child when they are going to be separated from you while you go to work. Take time over introducing the baby to their new carer and be alert to the atmosphere of your baby’s surroundings.

It is important to plan and prepare for parting and for coming back together, as these transition times are difficult for the baby and for you. For instance, you can ease the parting by leaving your child with a loved object – a favourite teddy or piece of blanket – or something familiar of your own that smells of you and feels like part of you.

No matter what kind of childcare is arranged, babies and young children can experience separation anxiety. This means that when the mother (or another adult to whom the baby is attached – their father or a ‘mother-figure’) leaves, the baby may show signs of panic, distress or rage. Crying and clinging are normal reactions. The baby may feel they are ‘falling apart’ without the comfort of the person who is most familiar to them.

It is not unusual for the baby to be cold and withdrawn when their mother comes back, giving mother the experience of feeling rejected.

It will take a little time for you to see whether your child has settled. The tears and tantrums when you leave, and clinging or rejection when you come back, are not necessarily a sign that your child has not settled, but may be an expression of how they feel about the separation. This is to be expected when a baby moves into the wider world and has to adjust to the changes. It does not necessarily mean that you have made the wrong choice of childcare, or that you should give up work.

Starting at a pre-school or nursery school

Starting pre-school or nursery school is an important stage in the separation process and the feelings aroused or battles waged at an earlier stage often re-emerge at this point. Many children embrace this change without a backward glance. It is sometimes the mother in this situation who feels sad and disappointed at having to let go and move on.

Some children feel very ready for the stimulus of other children, toys, educational challenges and all that the new world of pre-school or nursery school has to offer. But many young children who are developing normally nevertheless find this particular stage of life very difficult. They may express their feelings through crying and clinging. They may also return to baby habits and behaviour, such as thumb-sucking, bedwetting or accidents at school, tantrums and baby language. It is as if they are giving their parents the message that they want to go backwards to a more comfortable time rather than forwards to the next stage. It is common for parents to see enormous swings between moods of great dependence and independence – a little baby one minute and an assertive and exploratory three-year-old the next.

At this stage, some children may be very withdrawn and shy within groups, while others may show aggression and rivalry with others. Parents can be reassured that these extremes of mood and behaviour are normal and are not signs that their child is disturbed.

Helping your child to settle

Parents can help their children to settle by showing them that they understand their feelings, while also encouraging them to move forward confidently. Games involving fantasy and role-playing are fun and are also an important way for children to sort out, with their peers and with their new carers, what they feel about all the changes and new experiences.

A child of this age who had the attention they needed at an earlier stage, is likely to have the invaluable tools of play and language to take their development a step further. Children who can talk about their feelings as mummy leaves, or who find a way of enacting what they are going through, can gradually make sense of their feelings and increase their capacity to tolerate these experiences. They can then move on to exploring the whole range of opportunities that new environments have to offer.
In a good pre-school or nursery setting, young children have the opportunity to learn a range of new skills and to sort out complicated feelings about themselves and others. Through playing and learning, they find out more themselves and the world around them.
They have a chance to prepare themselves for the next step, when they will enter the more formal world of primary school.

For many years parents, nursery staff and teachers have found a certain sort of child hard to manage. Such children find it difficult to concentrate, preferring activity to concentration, being quick to react, and not thinking before they act. Children like this cause a lot of upset to parents and teachers alike, ‘getting under their skin’, adding to the stress they probably already feel under. Without support, and an acknowledgement of the kind of difficulty this sort of child presents, a teacher or school can resort to ‘excluding’ the child, sometimes even as young as nursery age. Parents under stress can find themselves in a battleground, repeatedly losing their temper, and punishing their child in ways that are likely to make the problem worse. Parents usually feel very bad about this, recognising that the relationship with their child is not as they would wish.

Every child is likely to go through phases when their parents, carers and teachers find them hard to manage. If you want to change the behaviour that worries you, it helps to try and understand the child’s feelings. A child may have learnt that the best way of grabbing an adult’s attention – even if it is  only to get a telling off – is to behave in an overactive, wild and uncontrolled way. Behaviour like this has to be rethought not only by the child but by the adults too.

Children behaving badly

Children who are hard to manage are likely to:

• find it difficult to listen or to concentrate on what they are doing and be unable to settle down to anything
• prefer being physically active, often aimlessly, to non-physical activities
• fall behind in their work, whatever their ability and often come to dislike school work
• be quick to react without thinking first
• lose themselves in activities that absorb their minds, such as computer games and television, where they don’t need to think. Children who are all over the place and can’t settle down to anything will not feel good about themselves. They are often lacking in self-confidence. Their jumpy behaviour can make it more difficult for them to become friends with other children or to form good relationships with adults. Each child is an individual and their behaviour is a response to their particular situation and their own problems. Nevertheless, there are typical patterns of behaviour that may help you to understand what has led to your child’s difficulties.

For instance:

• Some children, often boys, seem to feel that people only really notice them when they are naughty. When they are good, no one seems to care.
• Some children feel that they have to cheer their parents up by being lively and sometimes acting the clown. This may be a response they learned if their mother was depressed or low in spirits when they were small babies. These children may appear to be overactive.
• Some children feel they are not as good as their sisters or brothers. They react badly to hearing themselves compared with other children.

Differences between boys and girls

Boys and girls develop in different ways and tend to find themselves in difficulty at different ages.

More boys than girls are likely to need help between the ages of 7 and 13 years old. Small boys often try to get away from any problems they may have with their parents, their teachers or themselves by indulging in physical activity. They tend to have behaviour problems during their junior school days and when they start at secondary school.

At the same age girls may avoid problems by being good little girls and working hard. More girls than boys seek help in adolescence, when they have to manage their sexuality and what this means for their capacity to relate to others or to act assertively.

Making sense of your child’s behaviour

If you can make sense of your child’s difficult behaviour, you can also help your child to make better sense of their own behaviour. Try to think about when and how it started and what triggers it off. For instance:

• What exactly is the behaviour that you are worried about? When did it all start?
• What was your child like when they were little? How are they now?
• What were they like before you had another baby? How are they now?
• What were they like at pre-school or at nursery school? In school at different stages?
• Were you worried or distracted by problems at any particular time during their childhood? Could this be linked to your child’s behaviour?
• Does their behaviour change or become difficult in different settings?
• What were you like as a child? Were you similar?

Almost always there is a pattern. (See the example of Ricky in the Diary.) Once you have recognised this pattern, you can start to think about ways for everyone concerned to work together to change your child’s behaviour. For instance:

• Don’t reward bad behaviour with attention, but give lots of attention to the child’s good behaviour instead.
• Don’t compare your child with anyone else – especially their sisters or brothers.Trying to think about your own circumstances when the problem started may help to make sense of your child’s later behaviour.

None of this is very easy to do. But a child who feels thought about often starts to think for themselves, and you and they can begin to change together. Your child feels better because they gain the approval of the adults and begin to value themselves more.

Setting boundaries

The fact that you are trying to think about your child’s behaviour doesn’t mean that you don’t also have to develop strategies for managing everyday situations. You cannot ignore your child’s behaviour when it is disruptive, or dangerous to others, or themselves. You do have to set boundaries on what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour to you or to other people. You do have to contain the outbursts, to divert, distract, or sometimes physically and safely hold the erupting child. This is never easy, but it will help you and your child if you keep calm and focused, finding ways to stop the behaviour, without becoming punishing and angry towards your child. If you can put a boundary round your own behaviour as a parent, working at keeping calm, the hard work will pay off and help you make real changes in your relationship with your child.

Working together to change behaviour

Parents, teachers, the family generally and the child themselves should be able to work together to see what is preventing the child from being able to focus, and to develop strategies for helping them to concentrate.

It is helpful to everybody to be up front about it. Your child needs to know that you are concerned, and it will help other people to understand and to co- operate with you in looking for patterns and intervening in them. Grandparents and friends, who probably see the child less frequently, can offer you and your child encouragement as you

begin to make changes, and can offer further thoughts and observations about what might help when things do not seem to be going so well.

When the problem is serious

When the child’s behaviour is affected most or all of the time, there may be a serious
problem. Among these kinds of behaviour are some that are more difficult to tackle than most. Today some experts describe these as Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD) or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD). Child psychotherapists believe that it is essential to consider each child’s situation individually, including their physical health, before making this diagnosis or prescribing any medication.
The local Child & Family Clinic, together with its child psychotherapist, if available, will be helpful. Only in the most severe cases will drug treatments be required.
If you feel you need help, please contact your GP or Health Visitor or local Child Guidance or Child and Family Clinic (address in telephone directory under your local Health Authority).

Families lay the foundations for a feeling of security. At its best, the family is the base from which the child learns to face and cope with the anxieties of life.

Apart from home, school is the single most important place in the lives of most children. Their experience of school will play a vital part in their lives and will determine their academic, social and, probably, their occupational future. The reception year is crucial. Research shows that there is a continuous link between the progress that children make in their first year in school –

in fact, the first six weeks – and the GCSE grades they will eventually achieve at the age of 16. Schools carry on from families, both in setting challenges, and in providing ways – different from those learnt at home – for managing difficulties.

Starting school

When they start school, most children have already had some experience of a pre-school or nursery setting. They have already faced some big challenges:

• leaving home with its familiar people and ways of behaving
• managing on their own – being independent
• meeting different people, both children and adults
• learning new skills and performing new tasks
• competing and comparing themselves with others.

All changes are stressful and going to school for the first time is a big event for children, whatever their previous experience.

With the rhythm of the school year – periods spent at school interspersed with holidays – children have to adjust to beginnings and endings, and the feelings these evoke. Memories of other changes and losses may be stirred up.

• School hours are shorter than those of some nurseries or family centres so children and parents may face another upheaval with different childcare arrangements. Children who had a close tie to their carer may take time to adjust and get used to the separation.
• Some children may find the more formal structure and demand for obedience and concentration too much. They may want to do their own thing and may resent what they may see as adults imposing limits on their freedom. Reception class children are too young to put much of their experience into words. They learn to manage situations and master their anxieties through play. Playing games at school with strict, stroppy or kind teachers provide children with ways of thinking about their new experiences with unknown adults and unfamiliar tasks.
  It is normal for children’s behaviour to regress at this time. While they’re struggling to manage at the new school, children may become more babyish or demanding at home.

Reluctance to go to school

Many children are a bit reluctant to go to school at first. There are so many adjustments to make that it may take some time to settle in. But children who are still reluctant to leave home after the first few terms may have a more serious problem. This could be to do with difficulties in relation to other children or problems with schoolwork. A frequent reason given for school refusal is bullying. This needs to be takenseriously and explored, but it may not be the whole story.

Reluctance to go to school may also reflect a child’s anxiety about leaving home. Children who have not made the usual moves towards independence, find it difficult to be separated from their mother. Some children may not be able to face school because they are  preoccupied with anxieties about what is happening at home in their absence:

• jealousy of their mother being with a new baby or younger brother or sister
• worry about how a depressed mother is managing without them
• anxieties about their parents.

If your child is reluctant to go to school, explore all the possibilities and discuss these with the school.

Getting on with other children

It may take children some time to sort out their place amongst the others. Children who have problematic relationships at home, for whatever reason, may not start out feeling confident in school. Jealousy at home may spill over into relationships with classmates. However, children who have felt highly competitive at home may find life easier at school amongst a mixed group of children and be able to create better relationships.

Groups and ‘best friendships’ usually emerge during the first year although they may not survive for a very long time. The ups and downs of friendships may be painful for children, but most of them establish ways of relating to one another in a more or less harmonious way. These are amongst the most powerful experiences of childhood, outside the home.

As they move on to junior school, children tend to divide into same sex groups, often expressing some contempt for the other sex. This seems to be a preparation for adolescence – a way of establishing interests and attitudes appropriate to the culture of being a boy or a girl. Boys and girls will get together again in a few years time.

Children who have ‘girl friends’ and ‘boy friends’ at primary school may be responding to social pressures or what they see on television, rather than their own real wishes and capacity for relationships.

Most children will settle in well amongst the others. But children who are not able to feel comfortable amongst other children may have difficulties. If you think there is a problem, it is worth discussing this with the class teacher, sooner rather than later.

Bullying

Parents are often worried about bullying. It is usually a small part of school life and there are other features of school life that affect their children’s development, like getting down to learning, making friends

and accepting the role and authority of the teacher.

Bullying is basically a problem in a child’s relationships with other children. However, what feels like bullying to one child, may feel like just teasing to another. Children of different ages have a different understanding of being bullied. Younger children complain that any child who is nasty to them is bullying whilst older children tend to experience bullying as being on the receiving end of a more deliberate and targeted campaign by a particular child or children.

Children who are insecure or disadvantaged in some way tend to be more vulnerable to being bullied. Children who have relatively secure relationships with adults and other children are usually able to enlist help in managing the situation, if another child or group of children is nasty to them.

Children who are bullied are nearly always those who are at a disadvantage:

• those who are new to a school.
• those who do not relate easily to other children.
• those who are seen as different through disability, skin colour or language.

Until they find their way around a new girl or boy may go through a period when they feel picked on. However, some problems – including those which are racist in origin – do not go away so readily.

Children with a physical disability that marks out their difference may find themselves particularly at the mercy of bullies. Disabled children are immeasurably helped if those around them accept their disability and value their achievements. Children who haven’t come to terms with their differences will respond with additional sensitivity to bullies and will reinforce the bully’s motive in bullying.

Children who bully are often not too different from those they pick on and have often been bullied themselves. These children feel frightened or at a disadvantage and are unable to talk about how they feel, so they pick on more disadvantaged children to make themselves feel that they are ‘better than somebody’.

It is important for parents to take every complaint of bullying seriously, while trying to get a balanced picture of what’s going on. If bullying and bad relationships persist, parents and children should get together with the teachers to deal with the situation. Your child’s school is likely to have an ‘anti-bullying’ policy and individual complaints will need to be looked at in this context. What is helpful for children is to see adults, both parents and teachers, acting together to protect them.

Getting on with teachers

Children have to adjust to a range of new adults when they start school. Most children enjoy meeting different adults but are likely to feel more comfortable with some than with others. A child who is used to an easy-going or chaotic atmosphere at home, may well find a more structured class-room environment more difficult than a child from a home where boundaries are tighter.

Children who do not have fundamental problems with authority are likely to have both good and bad experiences with teachers over the years and find ways of managing and learning from the differences. However, a few children have ongoing problems with every teacher they meet and may have deeply rooted problems with authority. In this case, it is helpful for parents and teachers to get together and think about how their authority is applied and how this may affect the child. If parents and teachers can think together, changes may then be made at home and at school.

What does attention-seeking mean?

One of the main adjustments that children must make in school is to being one amongst many. How they manage this will largely depend on their experiences in life so far.

Children who are secure in the attention of their parents and family are likely to feel comfortable with their fellow pupils, and confident that they can get the attention of the teacher when they need it. If a child, for whatever reason, feels ‘unattended to’ by preoccupied parents, they may have problems in their relationship with teachers, often in the form of ‘attention-seeking’ behaviour.

There are some children who feel unable to manage their position in the group without the help of the teacher, and who may continue after the first terms in school to demand the exclusive attention of the teacher or learning assistant. These children may employ a number of strategies:

• clinging to the teacher at all times, becoming his or her little shadow
• developing tummyaches or frequently bursting into tears
• getting the teacher’s attention by doing something naughty

These children – more often boys – are ‘rewarded’ by the protests of the teacher, and often of parents at home. They may well develop a habit that will become disruptive in school in the long-term.

Getting down to learning

Schoolwork can arouse a number of anxieties in children and their parents. Can they do the work? Do they understand it? What do they do if it doesn’t make sense?

Children who are afraid to make mistakes will never be in a position to learn from them and this will affect their learning as a whole. Making mistakes is important for learning.

Children respond to difficulties in various ways:

• Some children have no difficulty in asking for help and are able to persevere until they understand. Children who are able to ask for help when they don’t understand will make progress whatever their ability.
• Some feel, optimistically, that they understand, or pretend to understand, when they don’t and get thoroughly out of their depth.
• Some children who know that they don’t understand feel reluctant to ask for help. They may enlist the help of a friend, but this can cause further problems in the long run as it may appear that they understand when really they don’t.

Every child needs to make progress with their work. Worrying about other things will affect their capacity to concentrate on the task in hand. Falling behind with the work will then add to the worries.

Competitiveness

One consequences of a greater emphasis on schoolwork and achievement as children progress through the school system is that children begin to compare themselves and what they can do with one another. When marks are given for work, the question arises about who gets the best marks.

Sometimes parents are more competitive about their children than the children themselves, storing up trouble for the children, particularly if they do not achieve all their parents would like for them. This may be linked to a parent’s feelings about their own experience of school. Fear of letting down their parents, as well as themselves and their teachers, may add to a child’s nerves about sitting for SATs – undermining their confidence and possibly leading to results that do not do justice to their real ability.

Children and their parents cannot avoid the pain of comparison and the reality of their children’s successes and failures. Parents can give their children the most positive support by concentrating on what has been done well. Looking only at what could be done better risks undermining a child’s confidence in their achievements and reinforcing feelings of failure. An open recognition of the issues and valuing all of a child’s strengths – not just academic achievements – can make all the difference to how children see themselves

Problems with work

It is important to sort out what lies behind a work problem. Has previous work been missed? Does the child have intrinsic learning difficulties? Is the child feeling the effects of early or ongoing negative experiences, at home or at school? It is always helpful to establish the nature of any difficulties as early as possible, to minimise the length of time the child is working at a disadvantage.

Educational psychologists are there to help with the diagnosis and treatment of many of these problems and can give advice on learning difficulties, and on many of the other issues raised in this leaflet.

Leaving primary school

The move from primary school to middle or secondary school is a major change for everybody. Children and their parents are bound to have mixed feelings about leaving behind a familiar environment. Moreover, children going to secondary school will have been used to being a ‘big fish in a small pond’ and that changes overnight. In secondary school, newcomers may not be able to distinguish senior pupils from staff.

They often face an anxious time of choosing a new school, applying, and waiting to hear if they’ve been successful.

In the new school there will no longer be a main relationship with one teacher throughout the year and the opportunity for some play. While many younger children have already been given some homework, the demands really increase after primary school.

At this stage children have to be more organised than ever before, managing to get their work and kit together for each lesson and getting their homework in on time. All children need support when they make this move and many schools recognise this, visits to the new school in the final primary year can be very reassuring for anxious pupils, as well as their anxious parents!

helping parents and professionals to understand the early teenage years

Parents usually develop some confidence in their capacity to see their young children through problems. Everyone knows how important it is for parents to be involved with their children in the early years and at primary

school, so it’s not difficult to get to know your children’s friends and teachers and to share anxieties with other parents at the school gate. This confidence can evaporate when your hit adolescence and many of the certainties disappear. It is normal for parents to feel ill-equipped to manage this stage. Lone parents can feel particularly vulnerable if there’s no other involved adult to share their worries with. But nobody is in a position to feel confident about the role they have to play during the teenage years.

Living with teenagers

Living with teenagers can be one of the most exciting periods in a parent’s life. It is exciting to see your children growing into young people with separate views, hopes and ambitions. It is interesting to meet their friends and to be challenged by their ideas. Their vitality and energy is infectious and many parents enjoy the stimulation of living with teenagers. You may accept the moods and angry outbursts as part of the whole mixed package and feel able to support your children imaginatively, without being sucked into their problems.

But for many parents it’s a much rougher ride than this. Teenagers can make you feel that you’ve ‘got it all wrong’, and can be hurtful and undermining. The most

conscientious of parents can lose sight of the good feelings they once had about themselves as parents.

Parents of teenagers don’t know who to turn to when the going gets tough. When your two-year-old had tantrums, you may have talked to the health visitor. Now your towering 15-year-old is having a tantrum and he can hurt himself and other people. How can you cope with this?

Some parents get so frightened and overwhelmed by the difficulties of adolescence that they miss out on the good times.

Being a teenager

The experience of puberty

When children reach puberty, they experience quite rapid sexual, physical and emotional changes over which they have no control. They can’t hide their developing breasts or outcrop of spots. They can’t stop their voice from cracking at awkward moments. They reach puberty at very different ages, which can intensify their feeling of isolation and their anxieties. They worry about ‘Am I normal?’ ‘How do I look?’ ‘What do people think about me?’

It’s not simply self-consciousness they feel, but often real anxiety and distress at the unpredictability and inevitability of it all. The safety, the security and the certainties of childhood seem to have disappeared.

It is normal to be self-doubting and self-absorbed, and to experience a kind of roller coaster of intense emotions, moving speedily between joy, heartache and despair, and back again. With new-found physical and sexual capabilities, feelings of confidence and independence rapidly change into fears of overwhelming need.

Surrounded by many different and conflicting pressures and role models, the young person has to find their way from the uncertainties and confusion of puberty to fully- fledged adulthood.

Developing a new identity

During their early and middle teens, young people develop emotionally by making an important change in how they see themselves and their own independent identity. Being allowed to try out and identify with different lifestyles and personalities – just as they try out different clothes and hairstyles – is an important part of the growing process. But the process of sorting out and trying out who they are and who they want to be is often nerve-racking and painful.

Teenage friendships

Relationships outside the family, particularly with same sex friends, become increasingly important during the teenage years. Teenagers form very intense friendship groups and loyalties, but these may shift and change as they try to sort out who they are and where they belong. Even those long phone calls – sorting out who fancies who and what everyone in class is up to – have a part to play!

Teenage girls

Parents and teachers may be alert to the vulnerability of girls, but find it difficult to know how to be supportive and empowering. Young teenage girls are often drawn towards intense friendships, which can be enabling but can at the same time mask an underlying difficulty with being separate from the family and managing independently. In some school environments, girls still feel like second class citizens and are vulnerable to being ‘put down’ and belittled. Girls are sexually vulnerable and may be susceptible to pressures both to have sex and to get pregnant before they are emotionally ready for either.  A teenage girl may see getting pregnant as the only gateway to the adult world. Girls tend to be more prone to eating disorders, but are also likely to hide the problem away, so it’s not easy to know that they need help.

Teenage boys

The taboo against talking to someone about your problems is entrenched amongst teenage boys. Boys can be just as sensitive as girls to problems such as bullying and feeling unfairly treated, but may not feel

they can be as open as girls about these sorts of difficulties.

They find it hard to cry and show their feelings, but they do have particular areas of vulnerability. Their frustration may come out in a different way, like being sullen, rude and hostile. Because it’s seen as more important to show a tough exterior, it can be very difficult to know how to handle yourself in public. How do you act ‘cool’

when you’re fearful inside, and may even have been at the receiving end of verbal abuse, racism, physical threats or mugging?

Depression in young men may manifest itself in unexpected ways. Parents and others may not recognise what lies behind the ‘anti-social’ behaviour or sitting in a room for hours listening to music.

The reality is that suicide rates amongst young men are disproportionately high. It’s particularly important that parents and those working with young people are alert to reading the warning signs with sensitivity and can teach boys acceptable ways of dealing with overwhelming emotions.

Being the parent of a teenager

The teenage years put parents under a lot of emotional pressure and they can experience their children’s adolescence as very threatening.

• Realising that their children want to distance themselves from the family often makes parents feel powerless and inadequate.
• Their teenage children may stir them up so much –putting them in touch with strong memories and unfulfilled longings of their own – that they can’t stand back and see what their children need from them.
• The challenges and raw emotion their children subject parents to can stir up doubts and insecurities about their own beliefs and the choices they have made in life. Teenagers push the boundaries of behaviour, often

attempting to provoke their parents to retaliate and be rejecting. If their parents reject them, then they don’t have to face the responsibility and the anxiety of separating or becoming grown-up. If parents can understand this process, they are likely to be more tolerant and less likely to fall into the trap of retaliation.

Setting boundaries

Parents of teenagers often feel very confused and uncertain about rules and sanctions with this age group, particularly if they haven’t quite worked out where they stand on issues to do with control and authority. What does being a ‘good’ parent involve? What actually works with adolescents?

Parents can’t make teenagers do what they want. Parents who try to lay down the law – ‘You shall not sleep with your boyfriend’, ‘You shall not smoke cannabis’ – are likely to get a rebellious, if secretive, response. Because teenagers challenge and break the rules and boundaries, some parents give up and ‘abandon them to their fate’ with the mistaken view that they’re now old enough to look after themselves.

You can’t stop your children from breaking boundaries. But you can help them to understand why you put them there in the first place. It is important to:

• make your values and position clear
• say clearly what you want, and what you find unacceptable
• give good reasons for your rules
• insist on some of them being observed in your own home.

Problems within the family

Family circumstances

Some family circumstances can interfere with or hinder the process of becoming more independent.

• A child whose parents are in the process of a divorce or separation may not feel safe enough to let go of the parent who provides the security for the time being. Or they may go to the opposite extreme, denying any need, and blocking out what’s happening at home, with a rush towards a ‘false’ and often mindless independence.
• Teenagers with a single parent may find it hard to ‘let go’ at this point, too, particularly if they feel protective towards a vulnerable parent.
• Some teenagers may feel an impossible conflict between the pressure to conform to a powerful religious or cultural identity, and the pull to identify with their experimental independent-minded peer group at school. For some, these developmental changes will take place later, after leaving home.

Breakdown of relationships between parents

The family may be destabilised at a time when teenagers are at their most vulnerable. It can be particularly tricky in complex families with a variety of step-parents and step- brothers and sisters, often with different sets of values and beliefs. It’s hardly surprising that less stable partnerships can come unstuck at this time as parents hit their own ‘mid-life crisis’.

If the communication between the adults in the teenager’s life is not good, which it sometimes isn’t, there’s no end to the confusion. At one level, teenagers may enjoy playing one parent off against the other. At the same time, they may feel muddled and unsafe, hearing different messages coming from all sides.

Young people of this age, like much younger children, have a continuing need to know who they ‘belong to’ psychologically, and who is responsible for them, particularly when they live in different places and relate to many different people. Where several people share the care of a young person (including in institutions or residential settings), it is helpful to reach some agreement as to who is the main boundary setter. Other adults then need to back up this person’s decisions.

Breakdown of relationships between parents and young people

The painful reality is that some parents can’t bear the pressures that their teenage children put them under. Children in their mid-teens do get ‘abandoned’.

• Sometimes they are abandoned emotionally, with the message that they can now ‘fend for themselves’.
• Sometimes they are physically turned out of the house.
• Young people themselves may choose to leave, particularly from situations involving violence or abuse.

They are especially vulnerable in newly established families where the step-parent doesn’t share their history. Parents don’t always understand how much work needs to go into sorting out old loyalties and new jealousies, and teenagers can get the raw end of the deal if parents are too taken up with their new partnerships. But this is by no means the case for most families.

Sex – a highly charged issue for parents and teenagers

Most young people find it impossible to contemplate their parents having any sexual life. It is often equally hard for parents to acknowledge their adolescent children’s emerging sexuality, their powerful sexual feelings, and the reality of the fact that they’re physically capable. Not knowing what your teenage children are getting up to can provoke great anxiety, and fantasies can run wild.

Parents of children with a physical or learning disability are necessarily more involved with their children’s physical care, and may be more emotionally involved and protective too. It may be particularly difficult for them to accept the reality of their child’s developing sexual feelings and needs.

Unless parents accept the idea of sexual activity in young people, they’re unlikely to be able to give the kind of information and guidance that their adolescent children badly need.

The information teenagers need

Most young people want more than the bare facts they get at school.

Teenagers need access to information about contraception, the risks of pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases. Evidence suggests that this approach does not encourage sexual activity but, on the contrary, gives them the confidence to delay it. When the time comes, they will be more likely to use the appropriate contraceptive. Given the high incidence of teenage pregnancy, HIV and other sexually transmitted diseases in this country, this has to be a top priority.

But young people want their parents to help them deal with the emotional aspects of relationships, too. It may be difficult to do this in a positive and encouraging way if you’re feeling disillusioned yourself and are not too confident and settled in your own sexual identity and choice of partner – and even if you are! Young people want to challenge their parents’ attitude to sex, and can all too easily tap into their parents’ insecurities on sexual issues.

Sharing something of your own experience, and being honest about the pitfalls and difficulties of making and sustaining long-term stable sexual relationships, is likely to be appreciated.

What schools can do

A caring school environment can provide an invaluable halfway house between the security of home and the demands and pressures of the adult world.

Research with young people gives an insight into what can make the difference in helping them feel self-confident and empowered to achieve. What they appreciate above all is a caring school environment that makes them feel safe and valued. Young people want schools that recognise that how you feel affects how you learn.

Exams

Both boys and girls in this age group put worries about work and exams at the top of the list of what stresses them. It may be easier to imagine this with our sometimes over-conscientious and perfectionistdaughters, but surely not with those laid back ‘do it all at the last minute’ lads?

What parents and teachers sometimes fail to appreciate is that behind the bravado may be a real anxiety about whether you’ll ‘make it’. The spectre of unemployment can loom large, even at this age. If you fear for the future and have no achievable goal, you are far more likely to become disaffected and unmotivated.

Parents and teachers need to recognise how vulnerable these young people are. Without appropriate support, advice and encouragement, they can go down routes that seem more immediately attractive. A teenager with no realistic vision of his future may feel propelled into mindless thrill-seeking activity, like drug-taking or joy-riding – anything to blot out the bleak reality that he feels lies ahead.

Help in school

Some schools try to find ways of offering help to vulnerable pupils. They employ school counsellors, or train pupils themselves to offer peer support and counselling. It is important for parents to find out how the pastoral side of the school works:

• what systems are in place for personal support for each child
• who takes responsibility for the pupils
• what processes there are for when things go wrong
• what is the school’s anti-bullying policy and whether they implement it in a way that’s seen to be effective by the pupils themselves. Teenagers can get very embarrassed and annoyed if they feel their parents are butting in to what they see as ‘their territory’. Work still needs to be done to change the attitude that only the weak and inadequate ask for help. Good home-school contact and involvement, sensitively handled, can make a crucial difference.

Getting help when things go wrong

One of the hardest things for parents of young people is to have a sense of when to intervene and when it makes sense to wait and see. Part of being an adolescent involves trying things out, testing your parents, and going a bit too far.

If you remember your own teenage years, you can usually think of an example of some pretty outrageous over-the-top behaviour – your own or a friend’s – which  fortunately had no disastrous consequences. The parents weathered it and the young people grew up a bit.

Parents need to give their children some leeway, but at the same time recognise that all behaviour has meaning. Was that outburst a gesture of defiance or rebellion, or does it indicate that something is wrong and needs some attention? Is your child in danger of going off the rails, being excluded from school, being picked up by the police, or do you need to bide your time?

When you need professional help

There may be times in your teenager’s life when your concerns go beyond the everyday worries and you feel out of your depth.

It may or may not be helpful for your teenager to be seen themselves. The reality is that teenagers – especially boys – are often reluctant to be seen themselves.

It may make sense for you to get advice and support for yourself, if only for reassurance. Remember that if your child has the same GP as you, the doctor may not be able to tell you what your child has confided in them because they have a professional duty of confidentiality towards any competent person, including young people under 16.

These are the situations in which it is particularly important to talk to someone:

• There has been a noticeable change in your teenager’s behaviour or emotional state and it has persisted. They may have become markedly more aggressive or withdrawn. You cannot identify any obvious cause, such as the death of a grandparent or the ending of a long- term relationship.
• You suspect your teenager is at risk of harming themselves. They have made a suicide threat, or there is evidence of self-harm in the form of cuts or burn marks on their body.
• Your teenager has lost interest in schoolwork, hobbies, and friends, seems tired and lacking in energy, and finds it hard to concentrate. They may not be eating and sleeping as usual. These could be signs that your teenager is depressed, or that they have got involved in persistent drug use. Both may be the case.
• Your teenager’s obsessive and extreme eating habits – severe weight loss, weight gain, or evidence of vomiting after meals – indicate the possibility of an underlying eating disorder.
• Your teenager has become involved with violent, ‘risk- taking’ activity, and may be in trouble with the law.
• Your child’s refusal to go to school has persisted for some time.

The late teens: on the brink

If the earlier years have been ‘survived’ by everybody concerned and your child has come through with some sense of who they are and some ideas of where they might now want to go with their life, you will have come a long way together. Now you will both be moving towards the next dramatic developmental leap. The transition between childhood and adulthood, between school and the working world, is the next stage in the ongoing process of letting go and moving on.

understanding the vital role that fathers, and father figures, play in children’s emotional development

Dads really do matter. Children need fathers – just as they need mothers – to love them, to be interested in them and to respond to their needs, making them feel valued and understood.

Fathers (and father figures) make a vital contribution to their children’s development. What fathers have to offer their children is different from what mothers offer, but it is just as important to the child. The differences between men and women as parents are not laid down for us – each family discovers them in its own way.

Fathers also matter because they are important to their partners. Their parents’ relationship is the model of relating that children take on board, so the success or failure of their own future relationships will be deeply influenced by how their parents manage things. That is not to say that parents have to be perfect. But it is important for children to see their parents working together to try to sort out the difficulties that every family faces from time to time.

For any man, becoming a father is a huge step.

Until it has actually happened, no one really knows what it is going to be like for them.

Of course, there are many different ways of responding and this leaflet does not aim to lay down rules about how to be a father. The important thing is to take an interest in your children, enjoy being with them, and follow your own instincts. The vital message is:

• whether, and how, fathers get involved can make a big difference to their children’s lives
• not getting involved means missing the opportunity of an enjoyable and rewarding relationship for both children and fathers.

Preparing to become a father

Fathers have as much to take on in adjusting to their new role as mothers do, so men need to be fully included in preparations for the birth of a baby. Time spent in preparing to be a father can make all the difference to how involved fathers feel when the baby arrives. Emotional and physical preparations for the arrival of the baby are just as important if you are going to become an adoptive father.

Childbirth and children are regarded as a woman’s world and men may sometimes feel as if they do not really belong. Without consciously realising it, men can feel very jealous of the attention that their pregnant partner is getting. They may react by becoming very busy with their own new projects.

Being present at the birth can be invaluable for the father’s relationship with their partner and with the baby. Men may feel uneasy or embarrassed at the idea of attending antenatal classes. But both the physical and the emotional impact of the birth will be less stressful if fathers are prepared for the experience.

It is not always easy for fathers to be as involved as they would like because the health system may not always meet their needs. For instance, antenatal classes may be held during the day and employers are not necessarily sympathetic.

What kind of father will you be?

Many experiences affect how fathers behave. The way we are as parents is very much influenced by how we were brought up ourselves. This runs very deep. Often we may not be fully aware of just why we are behaving or reacting as we do. Some fathers, for instance, may find it very difficult to cope with their child’s anger if they were never able to be angry with their own parents.

One of the most important things for a child is how their parents are getting on with each other. It is a sad fact that many families split up during their children’s early years.New fathers may work too hard without realising that they are hiding behind their work to escape from pressures at home. They may come to regret this later.

The best start fathers and mothers can give their children is to create a happy atmosphere at home. The way to do this is for parents to sort out and agree arrangements between themselves. This applies to all sorts

of issues such as looking after the baby, changing nappies or sleeping in the parents’ bed.

Children, including very young infants, are very sensitive to the emotional atmosphere around them. If things are fraught between the parents – maybe about money worries or other stresses, not just about their relationship – children will react. This may show up directly or in other ways, such as sleep difficulties, tantrums or other behaviour problems.

If it is hard for us to understand or to cope with what is going on, we sometimes need someone else to help us. The leaflets published by the Child Psychotherapy Trust help parents to understand their relationship with their children as they grow and develop.

Early days

Fathers usually underestimate the change a baby will bring to their family. Some men may try to carry on as if nothing is really different. But after they have a baby, most parents find they have less sleep, less money, and less sex!

It may take some time for you to feel closely involved with your baby. Fathers need to spend time with their young family and try to take some leave from work when the baby is born.

It has recently become known that fathers can suffer from postnatal depression as well as mothers, although this often goes unrecognised. Indeed, in some ways the birth of a new baby may be even more demanding for the dad than for the mum. Everyone expects the new mother to be busy with the baby, but the father may be left feeling useless and redundant, particularly if he is not involved in the care of the baby. This can be especially difficult if the father is also unemployed and feels he is not able to fill the traditional role of breadwinner.

It is important to find someone to talk to if you are finding it difficult to cope with the new situation. Fathers may be able to tell their partner how they feel, but it may be easier to talk to someone outside the family. The GP or health visitor may be able to help, or a friend or family member who’s also a father may be able to offer support.

Looking after the baby

The particular way that a father chooses to get involved with his children does not matter – as long as he actually does get involved.

Although some men hardly take on any babycare at all, others may work so hard at being a good father that they start competing with the mother over who is the best parent. They may get involved with babycare and housework in such a way that the mother starts to feel a bit pushed out.

It’s important for fathers to try and achieve a balance so that they are helpful and supportive without undermining the mother or taking over. Nobody pretends this is an easy thing to do, particularly as you and your partner are likely to be feeling extra sensitive, and exhausted at this time.

Fathers and their partners

Fathers have an important role as partners – for the sake of the children as well as themselves and their partner.

It does not actually matter who does what in the family. For instance, in discussing what each partner should do around the home, what matters most is for parents to work out an arrangement that they are both happy with.

Couples can only do this if they both keep in mind how important their own relationship is with one another. Fathers have an important role to play in making sure that they carry on trying to have a separate relationship as a couple. It can be very easy to be so caught up in the excitement of the new baby, and the new role of parent, that this gets neglected.

The child’s view of their parents’ relationship is vital and children will benefit a lot from seeing that their parents have a life of their own.
This means that fathers have to make sure that they keep talking to their partners. One of the commonest complaints that women make about their partners is that they do not talk about their feelings. This may say a lot about how we bring up little boys and it may be a hard thing to change – but it is really important to try. That way it is much more likely that a couple can sort out any problems as they arise.

Fathers and their children

There is no ‘right’ way for men to behave with babies and children. Expressions of tenderness are just as important as play. What matters is a father’s enjoyment, and the interest he has in developing a relationship with his child.

Fathers often behave quite differently from mothers with their children:

• they may play more rough and tumble games
• they talk differently to their babies, and the babies recognise this and move differently in response.

Even when they cannot see who the other person is, researchers can tell who is talking to a baby just by watching their reaction. Babies benefit from this different kind of attention.

Fathers have an important role to play for both girls and boys. Children benefit from having a close relationship with both parents, with each offering them something that the other does not. As children get older, a father’s role continues to be important, but it changes.

• Boys Their dad may be a role model. Some research suggests that their father’s influence may have a lot to do with how sociable boys are.
• Girls Having a good relationship with their father can have an impact on their self-esteem and sense of identity, especially while they are teenagers.
• Teenagers Fathers are especially important in the teenage years. They may help with setting limits, or may have a particular role in helping the teens to spread their wings.

Fathers on their own

Separated fathers

Being separated from your children is very painful for all involved and there is no way of making it easy, although it is possible to make it work for you and your child.

It will help if you can remain on good terms with the children’s mother, even though this may be difficult. It is important to remember that both of you are still parents, and children are usually loyal to both parents despite what either parent may think.

You and your ex-partner still need to work together as parents, if not as a couple. That way the children will have an experience of you working together in their best interests, even though you are living apart.

It is very easy for other issues to cloud the picture and affect your judgment. Help from someone outside the situation – friends, colleagues or agencies like those listed at the end of this leaflet – may help you to focus on your children’s needs.

For all sorts of different practical as well as emotional reasons, it may be difficult to keep in touch with your children regularly. It can feel very artificial to see your children only at weekends or for outings, rather than the casual day-to-day contact you have from living together. You may lose touch with what their interests are. At some ages the last thing children want is to be seen out with their parents anyway, even when they are still living together. But you remain a very important figure in their lives and they need to know that you are there for them, so it matters a lot for you to manage this one way or another. It helps if you can keep in touch – whether it is through emails, phone calls, or postcards.

Lone fathers

Bringing up children can be demanding for two parents, let alone one. Being a lone parent is a tough job and carrying all the responsibility on your own can feel like a heavy burden. A lot will depend on the circumstances in which this came about.

• If the children’s mother has left, you will all have to come to terms with very confused and painful feelings about how she could have done so. It may be a real struggle to find an honest way of helping the children with this when you are struggling with very similar feelings yourself.
• If their mother has died, it may be easier to help them to keep a positive picture of her alive in themselves. Even then, they will have all kinds of irrational feelings about what has happened. You need to be tolerant if you are to help them whilst you are grieving yourself. When their children’s mother dies, fathers have to find maternal feelings in themselves.
• Every lone parent faces many personal and practical difficulties, with added complications for fathers because it is so much less usual for them to be the lone parent.
• Loneliness is usually a huge issue.
• Employers may be less sympathetic.
• Much of children’s social life at primary schoolage revolves around what mothers organise. It may be more difficult to be involved in this circle as a dad, though not impossible.
• Fathering is often a rather private matter, compared with mothering. Men don’t generally talk to each other about parenting in the way that women do, so it’s likely that single fathers will find it harder to get the support they need.

Different kinds of families

Stepfathers

Although it is stepmothers who get such a bad press in children’s stories, it is also very difficult to step into the role of being father to children who are not your own. Stepfathers may find it hard to have ‘fatherly’ feelings and may worry about this. What is important, though, is to think about how the child feels and behave in a caring and appropriate way.

Of course, much depends on individual circumstances. Many children do have another dad as well, whether or not he is actually around very much, or at all. Feelings are likely to be even more powerful if the child’s birth father has died. It will come as no surprise that, at times of stress, children may use this as a weapon in family arguments.

It is important to respect the children’s feelings about their birth father, and to be aware of how complicated this situation must be for them:

• If their father really does love them, why has he left them behind? From the child’s point of view, all the rational explanations they are given for their father’s absence may not have much impact on how it actually feels to be left. This may have a damaging effect on the child’s self-esteem. They may also seek to blame their new stepfather for having pushed out their ‘real’ dad.
• The children may have mixed feelings about their birth father’s new partner, and there may be all sorts of feelings of rivalry with new step-brothers and sisters.
• A child may have a fraught relationship with their birth father.

So you can see that becoming a stepfather is a really difficult role to take on. It needs a lot of tact to handle it well, and you will not always be able to get it right – even if only because the children may need someone to blame.

But – as with birth parents – what matters most of all is how well all this is sorted out together by the two people who are now the ‘parental couple’. The children will need to know that whilst their stepfather cannot replace their birth dad, he does have a role in this new family as a father figure. He will need his partner’s support in helping her children to accept this.

Of course, these difficulties don’t always arise. Stepdads can bring a freshness to family situations, diluting tensions and creating the opportunity to find new solutions to old difficulties.

Adoptive fathers

Adoptive fathers will have had to undergo a thorough – and sometimes gruelling – process in order to become a father. This involves a considerable amount of self-examination and a need to confront personal issues that other fathers may never have to deal with. Some men find this difficult and feel that they have to prove themselves in a way that biological fathers may not have to. But it can also strengthen the bond between a father and his adopted child because he has a great self-awareness of his desire to be a parent and the choice he has made.

As children get older, they may ask questions about their birth parents that are difficult to answer. They may be curious about their birth families and want to find out more about them. They may want to meet them, maybe as a way of understanding more about the circumstances of their birth from their own point of view. Sometimes they may lash out at their adoptive fathers when they are hurt or angry.

Thinking of the child’s curiosity about their genetic origins as absolutely natural can help fathers to tolerate feelings of rejection and hostility that can, at times, be very hurtful and difficult to understand.

Foster fathers

Foster fathers are also likely to face complicated challenges. The circumstances that have brought a child into foster care range from a temporary difficulty in the family to serious problems in parenting – including physical or sexual abuse. The foster child may be coming into your home with a poor view of what fathers can offer to them.

It is essential and helpful to talk to the child’s social worker to get as full a picture as you can of what they have been through. If you have some idea of what their experience of men has been, it will be easier not to take their suspicion, hostility, rejection (or indeed their seductiveness) too personally. This can help in tolerating the very difficult behaviour you are likely to have to manage.

Understanding may also help you to find tactful ways to talk to your foster child about how they are feeling. Your support worker, the children’s social worker or a member of your local Child and Adolescent Mental Health Team may be able to help you with this delicate task.

Helpful suggestions for fathers

The influence a good father has on his offspring is disproportionate to the actual time he spends with them. There is no formula for being a good father, but researchers have noticed what a difference it makes to children when a father is committed to them and encourages them in what they do.

• As an expectant father, take up any opportunities to get involved in antenatal or parenting classes. It will make a difference to you and your baby if you are emotionally, as well as physically, prepared.
• It is not unusual for fathers of new babies to experience feelings of jealousy, exclusion, and ‘having their nose put out of joint’. Sometimes the reasons are obvious: fathers are excluded from their infant’s care or exclude themselves because they feel incompetent at looking after a tiny baby. But the reasons are not always obvious and may relate to the father’s own history. Try and talk about your difficulties with your partner or someone else.
• However difficult it is to maintain contact as a separated father, your child will really benefit if you are consistent in taking an interest in them. Show your child that they are still very much in your mind even though you are living elsewhere. Be sure to remember special occasions, such as birthdays.
• As a lone father, accept any offers of help that come your way. It won’t do you or your child any good to struggle on without support.
• Stepfathers sometimes get a bad press, but with thought and sensitivity you can make a positive contribution to the lives of your stepchildren.